Please find enclosed my submission of a rejection letter to replace the one you always send to me.
Your letter uses the word “unfortunately.”
(“Unfortunately, your poem has not been chosen. . .”)
Or something along that line
As if the gods were not with me
Or I didn’t choose the winning lottery number.
I submit the following:
Thank you for sending us your firstborn child.
Everyone here at the office is touched and amazed by her beauty –
The soft rounded rosebud lips
The sky-blue eyes
The tiny grasping fists.
Surely not another like her will ever come along again.
So you can imagine how honored we are
At your astonishing generosity
In sharing her with us.
But it’s simply too much – we can’t accept such a lavish gift.
With something so exquisite in our midst,
We would never get any work done!
Please accept our deep gratitude,
Our sincere apologies,
And our best wishes for your future with this unspeakable wonder
And all the dazzling beauties you have yet to produce.
Thank you for considering this submission.
I look forward to reading it on your stationery soon.
Sincerely, and so on.
accompany rejection with dignity, respect and appreciation – what a concept!
. . . and a healthy dose of laughter at my (the writer’s) own inflated sense of self-importance!