Dear Editor,

Please find enclosed my submission of a rejection letter to replace the one you always send to me.

Your letter uses the word “unfortunately.”

(“Unfortunately, your poem has not been chosen. . .”)

Or something along that line

As if the gods were not with me

Or I didn’t choose the winning lottery number.

 

I submit the following:

Dear [Name],

Thank you for sending us your firstborn child.

Everyone here at the office is touched and amazed by her beauty –

The soft rounded rosebud lips

The sky-blue eyes

The tiny grasping fists.

Surely not another like her will ever come along again.

So you can imagine how honored we are

At your astonishing generosity

In sharing her with us.

But it’s simply too much – we can’t accept such a lavish gift.

With something so exquisite in our midst,

We would never get any work done!

Please accept our deep gratitude,

Our sincere apologies,

And our best wishes for your future with this unspeakable wonder

And all the dazzling beauties you have yet to produce.

Sincerely, etc.

 

Thank you for considering this submission.

I look forward to reading it on your stationery soon.

Sincerely, and so on.